The Oxford dictionary states that fear is:
“An unpleasant emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain or harm.”
Fear is an emotion that is driven by our thoughts and displays itself through our behaviour.
When we travelled Australia in 2020, I will never forget four wheel driving up the side of a VERY STEEP, shaley mountainside in the Flinders Rangers, South Australia. We were literally crawling up a slope where if we stopped or slipped, we would have rolled all the way to the bottom. Our only safety guard was the fact that the station manager knew if we hadn’t returned by 5pm, something was wrong.
If you dared to peer out of the window you were staring straight down the mountain to the valley below. I guess it wasn’t called the “Sky Trek” for no reason.
Now, we have four wheel done a fair bit of four wheel driving. We have done Cape York (far North QLD), and some pretty hairy stuff on the tele track,….. AND, I have a LOT of faith in Corey’s driving, ……BUT but my lack of control on this occasion, (not that I would want to be either, but me not being in control of the car), caused my fear to do a lot of talking. From what I had assessed, if we did happen to need one, there were no trees to break our fall and my body was so tense it felt like I was bracing for our free fall impact the whole time.
I am pleased to announce though, that we did however manage to crawl safely all the way up the mountain, and although the track at times disappeared into the landscape, we also managed to figure out how to get down the other side. Thank goodness for that because we had been driving on an 80km track, through a 70,000 acre sheep property, for about 6 hours and I certainly did not want to turn around and go back the way we came.
Fear and anxiety makes me unable to think clearly, it clouds my judgement and can cause incessant worry over things which I have no control over. I can even play things over in my mind thinking about the things I should have controlled, but failed. Fear can give us physical symptoms too. Heart beating faster, shallow breathing, that “rush of blood” when the adrenaline kicks in.
But what about times that aren’t life threatening? Fear was what made Adam and Eve cover themselves from God’s sight. There was no one else in the garden, so it had to be the fear of God and His response to their actions that made them hide.
Doesn’t fear drive all our negative behaviours? When working with children, and horses it is important to remember that behaviour is communication. I’m no expert, but there is a therapy model based around the idea that all behaviour comes from our thoughts and feelings, and if we can change our thoughts (I am …. unlovable, unworthy, too fat, all alone…..) and how they make us feel, we can therefore change our behaviour.
Fear can be a strong emotion, and while a healthy fear can keep us safe, unhealthy, or untethered fear can range anywhere from being inconvenient to debilitating panic attacks.
Don’t we act out, get anxious, stress, worry and doubt because of our lack of control? Because we question that God really knows best? And we question how the things He lets us walk through could possibly be for our good? I know I find it difficult to let go and trust God is in control. Sometimes, in big things and sometimes even in smallest.
Fear can give us butterflies in the stomach before public speaking, or it releases that gut retching churn with an unfolding crisis. It can be the instigator of our poor decisions, freeze our ability to act or speak when we should and it can cause us to use words as weapons against one another.
To dig a little deeper, fear can cause us to strive like our identity depends on it, or it can cause us to give up trying at all. Fear can cause us to work longer hours or try with all our might for someone, or everyone’s approval. Fear can make us babble super fast or it can keep us quiet. Fear can keep us isolated at home, stop us from reaching out to others in need, or stop us from speak up about our own needs. Fear can make us run, stand up and fight and it can even make us freeze.
Just like fear drives much of our actions, fear is instinct driven in horses. They are prey animals, which means ALL of a horses behaviour is grounded in the need to keep safe.
This is what makes horses so amazing. My favourite poem written by an Aussie horseman (I will add it at the end), talks about how when a horse starts out they are at “war” with the person trying to train them. (Also like us and God before we repent), but in the end, they go to war,…… together, on each others side.
“….. You have shown me I can trust you
Now a partnership’s unfurled
I will follow you to battle,
You and I against the world”
Guy McLean
You see, horses never lie. If they are afraid, they show it. And fear can look like three different kinds of behaviours. Fight, flight or freeze, (sound familiar?)
Like humans, horses avoid fear at all costs. Which is why it is so interesting that for a horse to mature, it has to be exposed to a certain amount of fear. Which is also a lot like us.
I have been thinking a lot about why, when people talk or think about the use of a “whip”, or spurs, to help get a horse to move in a certain direction, most people’s immediate response is, “Thats cruel”, or “I would never want to do anything that might cause them fear”.
And I’m not sure if this has always been the case, or if it is worse these days, but it seems to me that we have built such comfortable lives, where choice and rights reign. To add to this, anyone with a screen and a keyboard can be an“expert”, and we certainly don’t like being told what to do. And perhaps for this very reason, our safety and comfort is keeping us immature and with all our “freedom”, we are living smaller lives than the one God has planned for us.
So, back to my training techniques. I have been wrestling the idea of two very different methods. One is compassionate only. Working only within the confines of a threshold, and the other much like Simon’s message on Sunday about the freedom love with clear boundaries brings. If we believe the bible, we are supposed to submit to His authority.
For most people, talking about the use of whips and spurs creates a great personal dilemma. Although I believe most people know instruction and discipline is good, but when it comes to doing it, it seems it is too “old fashioned”.
It also seems people have labelled inanimate objects like a whip and spurs evil. Before people even know what they are used for and why, theuy see them as objects to inflict pain and harm. Not tools to teach.
SO, why is the idea of exposing ourselves to that which makes us, or someone else, uncomfortable, unfathomable?
What happens when our fear is bigger than our willingness to grow? I know. We don’t.
When we do nothing, we water weeds.
Alicia Britt-Chole
And thats a choice too.
I was listening to the podcast of my favourite cowgirl, Stacey Westfall. She toys around the idea of fear and discomfort.
In her podcast Stacey answers caller’s questions about training their own horses. One particular caller asked about a mare she had been working with for sometime who, no matter how much she tried, or how patient she was, she remained extremely fearful of different situations, causing her to have some concerning behaviours.
The caller’s question was, “How can I build her confidence and get her trust as a leader without her being so afraid.”
In true Stacey style, she didn’t give any procedures or formulas to fix this lady’s problem with her horse. Instead, like all horse problems, they aren’t really horse problems, they are people problems. So, she challenges our attitude, and what I love most, our vocabulary. She asked listeners to swap the idea of her being afraid, to her being uncomfortable. And asks if it has the same feel. I tried it on, and it definitely does not have the same feeling, or meaning. Have a listen,…..
“How can I build her confidence and get her trust as a leader without her being so uncomfortable?”
Wow. Is that possible? Not to my knowledge.
I have always loved the phrase, “A comfort zone is a beautiful place, but nothing ever grows there”. I don’t recall anyone winning Olympic medals from the comfort of their lounge chairs.
Understanding I have to live out of my comfort zone has most likely what has got me right here. In another uncomfortable spot starting my own business. But I was the extremely shy girl with bucked teeth who never had any friends growing up. Sometimes wanting to run to safety, and sometimes knowingly walking to the edge and wanting to jump. Always trying to remember that faith lives outside of my comfort zone.
I should also add, I have “Ride With Faith” engraved on the inside of my spur and stamped on the back of my saddle. If you have ever had to regain your courage after being taken for a ride on a bolting horse, you will understand what I mean.
So this is where I have been facing a bit of a dilemma in horse training methods. One girl who I really respect has gone to a compassionate only method of training. Meaning that you don’t purposefully make a horse uncomfortable. You work under a threshold and you train with positive reinforcement, not the removal of pressure as a reward.
While I have done a lot of clicker training with Ocean, I have been battling with the thought of not using any pressure on him at all. How am I ever going to make him a sound, safe and steady horse if I never expose him to anything that makes him uncomfortable? How can I know he won’t freak out at a banner flapping in the breeze if I have never helped him understand it won’t eat him?
This goes against everything I know about parenting and all the biblical principals of how I thought God works too. God disciplines in love, He prunes us to bear better fruit and He chisels us to make us the finest piece of art we can be. God puts us through the kiln to refine us and He grows pearls in the dark.
Life is full of pressure. Would I be preparing my kids and animals for the uncertainty life can bring if I never ask them to do difficult things?
It is interesting to me that when I looked up “Biblical Discipline” online, the first article I read started out by saying, “This is going to make a lot of people uncomfortable.”
I am a visual learner, so I think of it like this. If the see saw is unbalanced in any way, it creates fear. Love without boundaries (or a little nudge out of the comfort zone), does not create safety and pressure and discipline without love is abuse.
Of the three ponies I bought this year, all three of them react to discomfort in different ways. Ocean used to/will shut down (freeze), Apple Jack will fight and Poppy will flee. And if she can’t flee she will show her discomfort in a different way.
While I could understand Ocean’s reaction to discomfort, it has taken quite a while for me to work out what Poppy’s (above) behaviour actually means. You see, all of these ponies have the same need. That is, an equal balance of discomfort and trust, so to balance out the see saw, I have to measure it out in different ways. I have come to believe Ocean has had too much discomfort, and the other two have not had enough.
BUT, when both pressure and love are used in equal measures we help our horses find comfort, peace and ultimately, maturity. Doesn’t perfect love drive out fear? But perfect love doesn’t mean a life without pressure, pain or doubt. It means looking and finding God in the discomfort. It doesn’t mean when we get confused, or angry, or scared, we don’t ask questions. God doesn’t want us to freeze in our fear or our discomfort. He wants us to turn to Him. I can’t tell you how excited I am Ocean is now asking questions and not shutting down.
What will you do if,…..*Buck* “There is too much pressure” *Kick* “What are you going to do about this?” *He stops and turn around*
Watching that, it makes me wonder, am I asking too much? Is my timing right? Did I quit at the right time? When I think about the difference between how much pressure I have to use to push Apple Jack, compared to Ocean, it is important to remember that God sees us all as individuals and He knows our ability to handle situations that are difficult for us. He is kind and compassionate, but He also wants us to see things through.
God is the ultimate gentle trainer, but He also has pretty firm boundaries. These are some of my boundaries with my horses. “Not one step in front of me”, “Not faster than I ask”, “…. we’re going this direction, follow me”, “…… trust me, good can come out of this, “…. stand still and be patient”, “Stay calm, we’re in this together”.
If I give Ocean a situation he thinks is too much for him to handle, I remind him I am for him. Even though it’s uncomfortable, and I am, at times, the source of his discomfort, I also want him to see me as the source of his peace. Maybe not right away, but as he grows and matures he will understand when a situation is too much to handle, he can look to me for answers.
Stacey also points out that horses in the wild grow up in natural discomfort. They have to search for food and water, fight for their place in the herd, battle illness and the elements, and yet these horses once brought in from the wild can have emotional maturity that is not found in domesticated horses from birth.
She talks about her “Creme Puff Ponies” who have their every need met and then some more. Basically calling them spoilt, but in exchange they will worked very hard, be exposed to pressure (of the best kind). And that kind, is the pressure world champion horses are made of.
I love this quote from Stacey.
“Having ponies without hardship creates the unique ability to keep a horse immature.”
Stacey Westfall
Its not much different to this; James 1:3-4 (msg),
You know that under pressure your faith-life is tested into the open to show its true colours. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do it’s work so you become mature and well developed, not deficient in any way.
James 1:3 -4 (msg)
Don’t get out of anything prematurely. Are we as individuals willing to be uncomfortable? Are we as the church willing to get uncomfortable? Enough to sit in the places people think Jesus won’t be found? In the conversations that are too hard? In the change of season? In the culture thats so “nice”? In the music thats, “not your preference”. In the “fluff” to make Jesus more appealing to the public? Are you willing to sit in the discomfort of people who look different to you?
What would it change? What would be different? What if we were comfortable with discomfort because we know the One who is Comforter?
What situations are you going through right now that cause you to be uncomfortable?
Will you sit in the discomfort of forgiveness? The discomfort of acknowledging Jesus loves them just as much as you? The discomfort of personal pain? The uncertainty of change? The discomfort of sadness, loneliness and grief? What about leaving the safety of what you know, or putting yourself out there to try something new? How comfortable are you when you are criticised, disliked or misunderstood? Ouch.
My God, who made Himself a man? He did all of those things, and He drank the cup anyway.
He’s the perfect trainer. Kind, Trustworthy, Just, and He has the best timing. How can Jesus be kind and just in the same breathe? He came to make himself uncomfortable in a manger and on a cross so we could have eternal comfort.
What if we learnt to embrace discomfort? To sit with the discomfort of others? Jesus is more than comfortable with our discomfort. More than that, He tells us to bring it to Him and to leave it there.
I know I want to hold on as tight as I can to my fear because letting it go, trusting and stepping into the deep is so darn uncomfortable.
There is a saying us Christians often use that says, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle”. But I don’t really think that’s true.
God always gives us more than we can handle so we can learn how to hand it over to Him.
Mel Teunis
When we choose to examine our discomfort and bring it before Him, we mature and our actions look more like Jesus’. And it’s just like God’s upside down kingdom that trust, grace and freedom can be the fruit that is grown out of our discomfort.
God is individual, and there is no one size answer fits all. The more I think about these methods of training, the traditional v’s compassionate, and the thought of unlearning everything I once believed, the more I come to realise they are both training tools. And that God uses both, on all of us at different times. While they may arrive at a place a different way, ultimately, they both arrive at the same place. A place of trust and faith.
So maybe after all, our discomfort doesn’t come from the situations and circumstances we find ourselves in? Perhaps our discomfort lies in our lack of trust that He is with us and that He is for us? I think that might be the case for me.
When I bought the white pony in the movie, I couldn’t even get close enough to pat him. So far, he has challenged everything I thought I knew and understood about horses, and about life, and about God. But really, I have only just scratched the surface. It is SO uncomfortable rethinking how I am going to get where I want to go with him, and if I even will. When you think there are principals to follow that lead to a certain outcome, or you believe God has a certain way of doing things, it is confusing and uncomfortable to then discover, actually, you only see the tip of the ice berg. It’s like hiking days to base camp, and looking up to find the rest of the mountain come into view.
I do think God is more compassionate, more patient, more persistent with us than we ever dared to dream, but He is also the same just God of the old testament.
In my humanness I think I tend to get caught up in what everyone else is doing to “meet the criteria”. The formulas. The routines. The security. The safety. The idea that God is waiting for me to get it just right. Prayer, quiet times, going to church, running programs, serving, worshipping in a certain way. But in reality all God wants is our gaze. *Treat*, our confession, *Treat*, our mustard seeds of faith no matter how small, *Treat*, our next step, *Treat*. God’s treat to us is His presence and when we have been saturated in treats, we get to trade our treats for faith and trust and confidence in His nearness, and His plan for our good.
Trust and confidence that God is with us how He said He would be, even when we are uncomfortable. Trust that sometimes there will be pressure, and sometimes there will be rewards for our slightest try. And that ultimately, God knows what is best and when. And THIS is how we become mature and look more like Jesus to others.
Your-trying-to-ride-with-faith,
Mel.
Guy McLean is an Aussie who won this American event where competitors have only a few days to break in a mustang so they end up looking like the horse he is riding.
Mel Teunis 